Saving the Boys From Themselves and Keeping Our Daughters in Line

I know it's been awhile. My hoards of fans (aka my mom) have been wondering when my next post was coming. Truthfully, I have been busy with life and preoccupied by the collapse of democracy in the United States. Small matters. But luckily, I have recently found inspiration to write again because a civil rights movement of unprecedented import has fallen into my lap.

I will get to that in a moment.

In August, we dropped our daughter off to begin her Freshman year in college. It was emotional, as one would expect. Our little girl off to begin her adult life! Her dad cried. A lot. Frankly it was embarrassing.

But even more traumatic than having to separate from our adored first born was the alarming realization that tremendous dangers lurked on campus. Her father and I were distressed by recent news and headlines that had a lot to do with beer and sexual assault. Imagine dropping your precious treasure -- barely a woman, still mainly a vulnerable girl -- off at college, knowing that there is a huge risk that if she socializes at all, she might end up falsely accusing a boy of sexually assaulting her! Imagine the distress to the boy and his family. Imagine his future at stake. This was a civil rights crisis for boys.

The anxiety this caused us was untenable. As parents and activists, we agreed it was important to teach our daughter how to keep boys safe.

We explained to her that science has proven that boys are not born with frontal lobes and do not develop them until they are at least 25, if they ever develop them at all. In addition, she was surprised to learn that in addition to charity work, lifting weights and being good friends to girls, boys really like beer! The dangerous combination of an absence of a frontal lobe and liking beer means that every single boy ever born will have an uncontrollable need to sexually assault girls -- the urge is present most of the time, but especially if beer is around. This is entirely the fault of girls who choose to be present when boys drink beer. We also explained to her that beer is not for girls. Girls are biologically designed to hate beer. Also it causes them to have red faces and look unattractive. This is a huge no no in girltown.

Accordingly, girls need to keep their basest instincts in check. This means they must avoid going out in public, especially when beer is present, because this inevitably leads to them falsely accusing boys of sexual assault. "Imagine the lives you could ruin?" we said.

We further explained that the best way to keep boys safe, is for girls to never go out at all. Since this may be challenging, like if you have to get to class or something, you should always dress in baggy sweats and a trench coat regardless of the weather. If you ensure you have covered your tempting body parts, boys will not even know if you are a female-- and so they will not as easily succumb to the uncontrollable need to sexually assault you.

Parties, of course, where beer is present are strictly forbidden. For obvious reasons.

Our daughter assured us that she has never seen beer and did not know what it was. "Golly mom and dad, that 'ole beer stuff, sure sounds nasty!" She assured us it was entirely reasonable and realistic that she would never go anywhere where beer was around and would "try real hard" to never go out at all. We beamed, knowing we were raising her right.

She was surprised to learn that boys lack a frontal lobe; she felt great compassion for them. She is nothing if not kind hearted.

She also promised us she would only leave her room to go to class and for meals with female friends. She will also make sure she has appropriately disguised her body parts at all times. It goes without saying that she will never taste or go near beer.

We looked at each other and smiled. We felt proud of our parenting and important contribution to society. We were helping make college a better, safer place for boys--one daughter at a time!